Should Discipline Die? - A Book Review

I love a good book on parenting and I especially love books on parenting that have to do with growing children who are emotionally aware, independent, and empathetic.  I just finished reading Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will by Shefali Tsabary, which is a thoughtful text that argues that we should move away from disciplining our children using traditional methods and towards a more holistic approach involving supporting our children through connection, natural consequences, and shared reflection.  Am I a hippie or what?

As a kid, I was disciplined for a variety of minor infractions through the use of time outs and revoked privileges which I think was pretty common then and continues to be common today. There was one particularly memorable incident where I slammed my door (after being told not to) and I didn't have a door to my room for a week.  Did not do that again!  These methods of discipline worked pretty well for me in as much as they usually stopped the behavior (I am pretty much the consummate rule follower anyway).  

Tsabary argues that how our parents disciplined us informs how we discipline our own children and this was certainly true for me both as a teacher and as a parent.  I have used some variety of a warning system (Magic 1-2-3 has been a favorite!) coupled with a positive reinforcement system with more success than failure.  However, there have been situations where these techniques together have failed to address a kid's behavior effectively. Hence,  I have been searching for alternatives that might work better for everyone involved.

At the root of Tsabary's approach is the central premise that all behaviors are founded on emotions and we cannot expect to support children in their behavioral development without first dealing with the feelings behind the behavior.  However before we can investigate the feelings behind our children's behaviors, we must first address our own feelings about their behaviors.  Essentially, Tsabary postulates that we often turn to punitive forms of discipline because of our own feelings and not because of the behavior itself.  In addition, she believes that without processing our feelings and the feelings of our children, we cannot effectively support them.  

Children "learn only when they feel connected to us, 

which fosters calm acceptance and open receptivity."

This importance of dealing with the emotions behind behaviors such as tantrums, hitting, and whining is certainly something I agree with and is also a core idea of many other parenting books that I've read.  I have seen firsthand many times that when I validate their emotions, they calm down much faster and are more likely to successfully navigate the same behavior again. 

Here are some other takeaways from this book that I found to be useful:

The parent has to learn to step back and allow life to be the teacher. 

Natural Consequences - I have long tried to practice logical consequences when possible, but sometimes there isn't a logical consequence for a behavior.  What is the logical consequence for not leaving the house on time? Tsabary advocates for natural consequences when possible - letting the behavior play out in such a way that the world provides a consequence for it which takes the heat off of you as the enforcer and let's kids see the results of the actions. 

The issue is whether the child feels the parent is truly aligned with their decision.

Neutrally Stating Non-negotiables:  When it comes to issues of health and safety, there's no wiggle room.  Kids have to bathe, brush their teeth, and not injure one another.  Tsabary recommends finding ways of saying yes and no that are emotionless so that kids do not feel as though they can negotiate them. 

The key to effective parenting is to step out of the movies and into the "as is."

Accepting Imperfection - Tsabary argues that oftentimes when we feel the need to discipline kids, we are either viewing them as imperfect beings in need of fixing OR are having a hard time accepting our own imperfections as parents. 

What does my child need from me at this moment to thrive?

Considering Your Child's Needs - When thinking about how to support our children, Tsabary says that we must begin by thinking about what they need to grow and thrive.  Is a time out the best way to help them learn how to self-regulate or is there something else we can do?

Once we are clear about our own lives, so that we live with integrity, consistency, purpose, and direction, our own presence becomes our children's guiding light. 

Modeling Behaviors - Tsabary is a fierce advocate for modeling the behaviors that you want to see in your children and this is a technique that I have seen to be truly effective, especially when it comes to life skills. She also recommends the proactive solution of role playing different, problematic scenarios repeatedly in order to emphasize strategies that work well. 

Oftentimes I find that books that focus on the emotional side of parenting children do not have many applicable techniques.  I really appreciated that this book had three chapters at the end which featured specific strategies to use with your children that I felt were useful, like those outlined above, whether or not you choose to use them alongside traditional disciplinary methods. One of the ones that I liked was taking a "moment of silence" when your child is having a hard time and sitting with them in the challenging feelings that they are having. 

Bottom Line: I found this to be a well-written, engaging read that challenged me to consider discipline in a new light.  There were times when I did not agree with what she was saying; she seems to think that if this method isn't working for your kid, they probably need psychological help which seems demeaning and not helpful. Also, she is pro external positive reinforcement which seems at odds with her general ethos. Despite this, I felt as though many of the ideas and strategies were applicable used on their own or could even enhance a household that uses more traditional disciplinary methods. I would definitely recommend checking this book out if you are interested in emotionally centered parenting!