Handing Over the Reins: Giving Kids Responsibilities

Me, already dictatoring (in this case, our outfits).

Confession: in my former life as a middle school student, I was that kid who, when assigned a group project, would offer (read: insist) on just doing the whole project myself. Of course, everyone else in the group was happy to oblige.  I was someone who likes to be in control and preferred to just do things myself rather than watch someone else do it differently (read: obviously incompetently).  In general, I think I've gotten better-ish about compromise and teamwork in my career.  It has been an uphill battle, however, in regards to parenting.

Leo, 3 days old and incapable of
getting himself home from
the hospital.

In our defense, we met our children for the first time as newborns and they were legitimately the most incompetent beings on the planet.  They could breathe (well, Seth had a little help at first) and cry independently, sleep (sort of), and that was about it.  Feeding? Needed help. Peeing/Pooping? Needed help. Managing their 529 plans? Definitely needed help.  So, we helped them.  With literally ALL THE THINGS.  Sleeping. Nursing. Diapering. Granted, there were a few thing that they figured out how to do on their own i.e. crawling and also making singularly annoying noises that haunt my dreams, but largely we were doing everything for them.  IT WAS GREAT.  ALL THE CONTROL.  MWAH HA HA.

However, eventually the kids got older and it started to become clear that there were certain milestones and societal expectations of independence, among them feeding oneself and also going to the bathroom.  Fine!  We managed (though I spent some serious therapy dough on discussing potty training) and now both of these things are happening with at least 90% consistency.  However, at a certain point, the pediatrician stops checking in and the waters of handing over independence and responsibility become murkier. When should kids be getting dressed independently?  Straightening their rooms? Taking on simple household chores? And what do you do when maybe your kids are capable of these things, but it takes them roughly 419 times longer to do them than it would if you just did it yourself? Of course, I think that responsibility and independence are important.  Which is why I've RELUCTANTLY been handing over the reins and giving the kids more to do. 

Step 1: Determine a list of responsibilities the kids were ready to take on. 

Clean our rooms?  We can barely clean our faces!

All kids are different, and ours are no exception. They may be 6 and 4, but age is just a number. After thinking about where they are emotionally, physically, and mentally, the following list seemed like a good place to start:

Gets dressed.
Sets table.
Carries dishes to the sink.
Straightens room/playroom before going to bed. 
Feed cats.
Water plants. 

Step 2: Explicitly teach kids to do these different tasks. 

Me, definitely not explicitly teaching anything. 

It came as a HUGE surprise to me, but apparently our children do not just absorb how to do new things. As someone who has several teaching degrees, I'm embarrassed to admit how long it took me to realize that it wasn't the kids' fault that they couldn't follow the directive, "Put the books away."  It wasn't until I broke it down into the following steps that it clicked:

1. Pick up a book. 
2. Use your other hand to push apart the books on the shelf.
3. Put the book in the space that you just made. 

Et voila!  All of a sudden, it was happening!  Like Coney Island magic!  I really expected the kids to put up more of a peaceful, nonviolent resistance but, so far, as long as I'm supporting them, they have been willing to step up to the proverbial plate. 

Step 3: Build a routine. 

Yeah, right, Mom, I'll master my routine of lounging.

UGGGHHHHH.  ROUTINE.  This is where we are right now and it is maybe the hardest part for me.  I have a hard enough time remembering my responsibilities on a day to day basis; helping little people to do the same feels practically insurmountable.  Not to mention, it's a lot easier to find time for these responsibilities on the weekend than it is on weekdays.  

I'm planning on making each kiddo erasable responsibility charts that hang in their room, but I imagine that this is really going to be on me and Eric to remind them to do these things until they become habits for the kids.  If it takes an adult 21 days to make a habit, how does that translate to kid time?  5 years?  10?

Obviously, the x factor in all of this is my ability to not get frustrated/forget and just do the thing for them.  So far, I'm at a success rate of maybe 50%? Definitely failing, but getting some things right. 

What routines and responsibilities do your kids have?  How do you stop yourself from doing everything for them?!