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Bruce is right...as always.

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I knew some day your runnin' would be through
And you'd think back on me and you

And your love would be strong
You'd forget all about the bad and think only of all the laughs that we had
And you'd wanna come home

When You're Alone - Bruce Springsteen


In this moment in time, the "me" in this song is me and the "you" is being a stay at home mom.   I've been in a similar position before and I should have seen these feelings coming.  I'm going back to work full time next week and my time as a stay at home mother is coming to an end (for now).  In the space of a day, I've gone from loving, but disgruntled employee to Head Reminiscer.  

 This is a common pattern of mine. I instinctively remember only the good and none of the bad.  When I think of high school, I think of seeing my closest friends every day and not of almost failing biology.  When I think of college, I think of studying in my favorite library carrel and not -7 degree temperatures. When I think of our pre-kid time, I think of sleep and sleep and sleep and not how deeply sad I was to not have children yet.  If it weren't for others around me who recall the multi-faceted natures of events. I would spend all of my waking hours singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles.

 When I think back on this past year, I'm thinking about snowy walks and snuggles after naps and bagels on Tuesdays.  I'm thinking about reading books "one more time" and embarking on adventures and watching every new skill develop.  I'm thinking about the burgeoning relationship between my two kids and how they love each other the most.  And when I think about all these things, I can't remember why the last year was so hard.  I can't remember why I thought, "I'll enjoy going back to work."  All I can think about is how special it is to be there for your kids 24/7 and how I don't want any daycare to have that opportunity.

 But, it WAS hard.  I've done a lot of thinking about why, in the moment, this year was so difficult for me.  It comes down to two things I love: control and personal space.    I find great comfort in knowing exactly what is going to be happening at any given time.  I thrive on routine and consistency.  My safest space is hanging around my apartment with nowhere to go, no one to see, and nothing standing between me and napping.  And being a stay at home mom pretty much never delivers on these two fronts. It's incredibly physically and emotionally taxing.  It's also incredibly rewarding, but that's kind of hard to remember when you're in the trenches.  

 Everyone has been asking how I feel about going back to work and every time I say, "Mixed." Because it's true. I am looking forward to being back in the classroom, engaging my love of teaching, and having somewhat more control over my daily life.  However, as much as I tell myself that daycare is good for the kids socially and they are doing WAY more activities there than they are at home, I hate hate hate the idea that they are spending equal amounts of time at daycare as they are at home.  And if I think too much about it, it fills me with a deep sadness that I cannot endure. 

 So, you'll forgive me if I go against my instincts to remember only the good, and consciously focus on the not so good instead.  I'll look forward to teaching during the weekdays and do my best to truly enjoy the moments that I do have with the kids the rest of the time. It's where I am right now and that's ok. 



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