Whenever people asked me whether I wanted to have a boy or a girl while carrying Leo and Seth, I usually said, we don't care, we just want a baby who is happy and healthy! Sometimes I would say, there are pluses and minus to both! Rarely did I say what I was actually thinking: that a baby's biological gender doesn't say anything for certain about the personality of that child or even necessarily about the gender that they will eventually identify as. Because most people see this answer as crazy-pants-hippie-talk.
Don't get me wrong - there are certainly stereotypical boy and girl traits that are embodied by many boys and girls. These are stereotypes for a reason - they are common. We all know what these traits are: boys are tough, girls are gentle. Boys love trucks, girls love dolls. The list goes on. When people ask "Boy or girl?", I am sure that these are the traits that they are picturing. These expectations, though, feel wrong to pin on any child who will eventually have their own likes and dislikes, their own identity. This is part of the reason that I didn't want to find out what the gender of our babies was.
However, if we're being honest, believe you me, I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl because I still picture these traits as well when I think of these respective genders. I thought of how fun it would be to explore dinosaurs with a boy or enjoy an art project with a girl. I thought, "Oh, how fun for Leo to have a brother!" Or, "Oh man, I NEED to have a little girl to buy dresses and tights for!" And I spent a lot of time thinking, "All of our boy names are the worst and I love all of our girl names! Come on double X!!" Even though I feel uncomfortable with the idea of boy and girl clothes or boy and girl names, I am never going to be that person who dresses their child(named something androgynous like "Sky" or "Willow") in entirely yellow and green gender neutral jumpsuits. I have considered, however, making Leo and Seth dress up like girls every Halloween and Purim just so I have a reason to take advantage of the "Girl" section on Gap's website.
That being said, I find it interesting that the diversity of personality and gender identity that most of society has finally come around to respecting in adults has not trickled down to children. We default to the gender they are born with until they tell us otherwise. Why is this though? What would be wrong with dressing up a boy in an adorable dress from Gap or a girl in a nifty bow tie? These stereotypes that we imagine when we think of boys and girls are pervasive and potentially harmful. There's nothing wrong with putting a boy in an outfit that has footballs on it,,,unless you're going to be devastated that he is more interested in the cheerleader's pom poms.
I know it isn't likely that people will ever stop asking, "Boy or girl?" It's a question about gender, but it's also a way to connect to this future person,to figure out something about who they may be. People need connection and knowledge. But, maybe we can start placing a little less emphasis on gender and a little more on wishes and hopes for who you want your child to become - kind, empathetic, loving. These are traits that all children have the potential for and should have.
Perhaps I feel so strongly because I just really want to buy some girl clothes. But, really, in a time where everything is so fluid, why do we even have boy and girl clothes? Or boy and girl names? Or boy and girl toys? At the end of the day, I just need to know...can anyone give me a reason why Leo can't wear the above dress to Thanksgiving? My buying finger is feeling awfully itchy...
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